Archive for the ‘Anoying’ Category

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The economic downturn

Increasing finding yourself just short of a bob or two? Not got enough wonga in your back pocket to pay your prostitutes? Constantly getting into debt with your local friendly loan shark?

Ahhhh yes need I say more? These are just three of the commen symptoms that you are being hung out to dry by, in a credit crunch. When you first heard on the news that large banks had been over paying their executives to the tune of £3,000,000 minimum a pop, I’m asuming you though, “what a gready twat, oh well at least he can’t steal all my money, because fortunately I place my money in the worlds most finacially secure banks in the world… Northern Rock.” (repetition of, ‘my money’ idicates you’re a limp cambagge when it comes to erectile strength)
Well didn’t you look like a penis 3 weeks later when you lined up in que 2 miles long, piss wet through with rain as you waited to withdraw all of your savings through fear of it getting frozen as credit crunch memoribelia? You see the one main reason that we are down this shit creak without a paddle is because we were too blind, dum, or ignorant to see that spending all our cash on luxury items such as vibrating dildos, would leave us pennyless to go an buy the god dam double A batteries; appoligies for the terrible over spending example.

Of course the credit crunch has lead to slowing of stock rates causing business to loose profit, which in turn leads to job cuts and losses… well I’d say that is bloody awful! So now there are more hobo’s than there are cardboard boxes!

The worse news is, that gorvernment officials say that job loses are exptected to increase dramatically by this time next year; my responce to that is, well Mr Brown (you over paid, under shagged flid) job losses will have hopefully increased by at least one next year.

Swine Flu

Yes swine flu, the flu of swines. Very much similar to normal flu which millions of people catch, then live, then get on with their lives; except this type of flu comes with something called, ‘the media.’ Yes people say it is almost identical but more deadly; ok so how do you work that one out then smart asre?
Right so let me get this straight, what we have here is a straign of a pig virus which has transitioned into humans and is now infecting the entire world population? Well I have a few things to say about that (as you might of imagined):
1. [possibly the one thing that nobody wants to own up to, unless you take great plesure out of beastiality] Who was the first person to have sex with a pig and also decided that whilst they were at it they might as well not use a Johnson?
2. Is this whole pandemic business just a big I am Legend rip off? I mean just how many more films are there going to be about a virus that kills all, sparing the odd imunities. Next they will be saying how there are two types of the virus; airborne and passive subjection, and that dogs are only imune to the airborne straign.
3. Oh no wait there is no 3! FAIL

Ok what I am really trying say is, if you have it, big deal, just shut your self in a room for a while and a course of antibiotics should sort you out good and proper! Above all else don’t go around blowing your own trumpet saying for example, “hey guys, you’ll never guess what the doctor diagnosed me with!”
“well yes but other than that… SWINE FLU! =D”
This will only make you look like a first class dipstick, hence shush your mush; people might start to hang around with you that way! Who knows?


Thoughs of the day #1

Ahh yes some times it can be simply too hard for my explosive mind to think of a full on rant about even the smallest subjects such as, if a bird was to shit on my head if I was only walking around the back yard like a little loner (dam those mofoing pigeons… go to Russia or Cyberia and freeze your little ticks off).

Well anyway without letting this turn in to a rant of its own, I shall get on with my sudden though of the day..:

“Hmmm, a wise old git once said that money was hard to come by, but ever so fucking easy to spend (with the whole beard feeling thing)” which is right in some aspects, but these days there is just shit all in the shops! Having been out on a mission to spend some dosh I find the only thing even possibly worth buying is a big issue… but only because the guy selling it is singing, “Big big issue man” in a slightly wank Caribbean voice, when he is actually just some homeless DUDE who wants some floating cash to get his next fix… I mean come on you thick swine, how dumb do you think I am?Sod off!

They all need a bloody good Glasgow kiss.

Stupic comercials

Possibly one of my favourite topics to rant about is stupid fucking adverts that appear durring the middle of intense and INTERESTING programs on channels such as Dave and Sky1.
Every one knows the particular adverts I am talking about, providing you don’t have a dead squirel’s brain, they last for roughly 30 seconds tops but by the end of that brief period of time you are preparing your suicide note, ready to pop you clogs like an absolute mouthbreather.
Ok let’s not be brief here; let me set the scene… It starts like this (by the way this not some kidy fiddling, story telling agency, who has it’s name on the sex offenders register) you are watching a Top Gear repeat on Channel Dave for the 21st time and you are getting to the point where there has not been a comercial breakin 15 minutes… It is iminant… Unfortunately.
Suddenly FAIL, of the most epic variety!! You no longer see Jeremy Clarkson shoving a rench up ever orophis in James May’s body whilst Richard Hamond sit in the corner choking the chicken. Instead you find that your ear drums have shattered into tiny metaphoric fragments to the piercing sound of BARRY SCOTT. Yes here it comes, the time old rant about he must insist in giving you an earache that feels like you have just been penitrated by a horse… Beastialty style ( (conicidently never search that in google unless you have a bucket to the side of you!) sick shizem). If I wanted my eardrums bursting then I would jump in a fucking bush.
Just shut the fuck up you loud mouthed twat, if I want a spray that could clean my arse without using crap role, then I would just get your mum to give a lick!

Text language bruv!

Wuu2? Wbu? Brb, yh, ily, lmao and FUCKING LOL !!!! Yes I am obviously talking about short hand text. Above were all examples of what you might say if your were in a rush when on IM or texting with a letter count limit, but some people confuse these fucking situations with real life speach during human to human conversation.
I’m sure that if someone walked up to you in public and said W U U 2 (just letters and numbers) then you obviously say to yourself and those directly around you, “What the fuck is wrong with this retarded hobo who has just aproached me and started talking in single silabolic, clunge muscle terms?” “Bitch get out of my face and my personal space, please go and moan like this on facebook, where nobody really gives a toss about what you have to say, involving what you did in the last five minutes since licking your mums pussy!” (Believe it or not this actually what a person like me would say)
When the English dictionary was published, stating how words and phrases should be spelt and punctuated, believe it or fucking not…… THEY FUCKING MENT IT! So please don’t waste some poor fucker at COLLIN’s (dictionary publisher) time, speek the queen’s language… Who knows, it might do a thing or two for your patriotism! Fuck nuts!
One other thing that you should also refrain from doing, seems as I am in a hypocritical mood, is to stop sending people random, open ended, silly little fucking text messages.
Hey wuu2.
\\\correspondance\\\ “What the fuck?! If I wanted you to know what I was doing then I would ring you the fuck up and say ‘hey bitch! I’m on the throne, but I’m actually BEATING ONE OUT!!’ You happy now you lonely twat? Yes?… Well fuck off.”

Example 2:
Hey how are you?
\\\corespondance\\\ I’m dead, what the fuck do you think?? If I constantly wanted you to know how I am then I’m sure that I would of set up a fucking wardens cord by now, that I could pull ever five minutes to make you aware that I am feeling just as good in health as I was thirty fucking seconds ago. Are you questioning my integraty and ability to monitor my own physical and mental health? No?… Well once again… Fuck the hell off!!

These examples could go on for as long as there is a hole in my ass! So I think I will end there. These sort of kunt strummers need speech theropy, but if you ask me I just think that they are socialy disturbed mother fuckers and just need slamming in a sex offenders pen!!

Nob heads who talk about cars

I’m beginning to get slightly anoyed to some extent by clunge monkeys who sit around me and talk about their fucking scoobys!! For one, they can’t even drive yet? Two they are probably to dumb to realize that they do not have the mental stability to remain calm at the wheele without getting an errection off the fucking engine noises. They probably get an errect penis just from being a passenger, some times even if they just hear or see a loud pile of boy racing shit.
So when they are sat in my classes at school, in an indoors environment where suprise, suprise there are no cars to be seen, heard or to get a stonker off, they feel it appropiate to disrupt my learning by forfilling there need to be boned up; they make cars noises like the small prepubesant boys in primary school.
Another thing that I have picked up from their fucked up mentality is that they have no fear of munching up their (unowned) ‘highly modified’ pieces of japanese shit round a lampost after reving the tiny naggers off it round sharp urban bend infront of all their ‘homies and bitches’ just to get a bit of scanky ass on their shriveled up chodes! Obsesive Compulsive Dick Fucking Disorder, OCDFD; this is what you have unfortunately obtained if you have all of the above symptoms… Epic fail. Now go and slam your mum or go and hang yourself with a 6″ thick rope!! Go and burn in hell with your 20″ rims!

Bitchs who copy my shit

Bitchs who like to copy my shit really get on my non existant tits! They pussy around, like over licked fanny dweling clunge monkeys, singing ” do your tits hang low, do they woble to and throw,” Fucking dick plashes who get refused a blow job from the village bycicle (who conisidently have every fucking STI under the epic sun).

I find that these bitchs enjoy trying to fit in with the crowd by keeping up with the latest thing, even it means copying others peoples ideas, fuck wits.

Some ask permision before rapping the chode* however some muff faces just take liberties. In doing so they really get, once again, on my non existant tits!! I believe that these lube tubes tend to bite off more than they can chew; this is a lot, considering they are nosebreathers who constantly give deep throat to an unsheathed donkey!

Yes they are definately bitch boys, and must be avoided at all costs!! My mates also hate these rent boys!!

*= generalized example

Women in clothes shops

Annoyance and participation in shear contemplation of suicide. These are the two main thoughts that run through the male head when he has been dragged around a series of female clothes shops. Your integrity in scatter fragments all of the fucking shop floor.

This entire piss take can drag on for as long as 3-4 hours! Absolute clunge gobbler! Its all starts when the female decides that you would benefit from going shopping with her; she manages to successfully convince you 9/10 times, 1/10 being where her bribing and black mail does not suffice. She always gives you the first choice of shop to visit, for me and most males it would either be currys, comet, game etc. Then and only then does she flip the entire scenario upon herself by say, ‘oh can we just have a look in there.’ </note: she makes this statement just as you find yourself in a spending mood!>

Hence you enter the shop, she decides to venture towards the clothes that you would not she a fucking tramp in a pissing septic tank, wearing. You shake your head in dismay as she spends the next 30 minutes of your valuable blogging time, giving a full inspection and examination.

This really pisses me and many blokes off therefore i demand!! less female shops and more white zipped body bags with a York locks.

</end of gripe>